I'm confused????? Are you a male or female??


nah. quarters for laundry and a broken pair of eyeglasses that just needs two screws. yet i bought a set of like 15 different eyeglass screws on amazon and none of them fit so i guess i have to take them to a PROFESSIONAL
also, i wish i was making this up, but then i spilled the drink all over the same place after i successfully poured it fuck

nah. quarters for laundry and a broken pair of eyeglasses that just needs two screws. yet i bought a set of like 15 different eyeglass screws on amazon and none of them fit so i guess i have to take them to a PROFESSIONAL

also, i wish i was making this up, but then i spilled the drink all over the same place after i successfully poured it fuck

what happens when you’re a drunk asshole trying to pour drinks in the dark

what happens when you’re a drunk asshole trying to pour drinks in the dark

laying on the floor in the dark and trying to melt into the new sia record and become music

i need feminism

i need feminism

when i was a kid, we lived with my grandmother, and my alcoholic uncle also lived with us, and i remember hearing him laughing his ass off in his room at all hours of the night and thinking it was the craziest thing, but now i totally get it.,

What are you drinking?

rum and oregon chai latte mix

Wait your a female lol I assumed you were a dude for some reason? And you didn't go to school but your a funeral director? Where do you live lol most people have to go to school :///

i am indeed a dude. I’m in one of those lucky states where you can serve an extended apprenticeship in lieu of going to mortuary science school. I’m a funeral director only, which means i can do everything someone who went to school can do except embalm, which i was never really interested in to begin with. it’s an interesting process, but I’ve never really been interested in doing it.


1:Something you always wanted as a kid, but never got.

2:What’s your favorite lyric from the last song you listened to?

3:How did you meet (one of) your best friends?

4:How many times have you moved in your life?

5:What were your favorite and your least favorite subjects in high school?

6:Is there someone you’ve met on Tumblr that you think you’d date if you’d met in real life?

7:A random story from the past year.

8:To who was your last text and what did it say?

9:Are you still a kid at heart?

10:What is your favorite work of art?

11:Who is your favorite fictional character and why?

12:What was the best text message you’ve ever received and who was it from?

13:What was the best gift you’ve ever received? 

14:What was the last dream that you had?

15:What’s your favorite dream that anyone’s ever told you about?

16:What’s your favorite album from your favorite band?

17:What do you think happens after a person dies?

18:Why did your last relationship end?

19:What was the worst injury you’ve had?

20:Do you consider yourself a good writer?

21:Do you consider yourself a good artist?

22:What’s something superficial you look for in a girlfriend/boyfriend?

23:What was your favorite stuffed animal as a kid (or now)?

24:How did you find your favorite band?

25:What was the last thing you ate?

26:What grade did you get on the last paper you wrote?

27:Have you ever written a song/poem for someone?

28:Has anyone ever drawn a picture of you?

29:Do you regret kissing the last person you kissed?

30:Have you ever cheated on anyone? 

31:Has anyone ever cheated on you?

32:What’s your favorite ride at an amusement park?

33:Are you afraid of the dark?

34:If you started a band, what would you play?

35:What’s a band that you think everyone should know about?

36:How many other blogs do you have?

37:Who’s a hero of yours?

38:What’s something that’s been bothering you lately?

39:Who’s someone you’ve been the most open with?

40:What’s a favorite band that someone else has introduced you to?

41:What’s your favorite color, and why?

42:Do you have any phobias?

43:Describe what you look like?

44: How open are you to people around you?

45:What do you think people think or say about you?

where's your bf?

at a party that i DECLINED invitation to because i thought i had other PLANS

heyy so it’s saturday and all my plans fell through so im watching sailor moon drunk home alone ask me wuestions


It’s graduation season, and a lot of commencement speakers are pounding the ol’ “You Will Fall, But Get Up and Try Again” theme, like Federal Reserve Chief Janet Yellen at NYU and actor Charlie Day at Merrimack. I know some of my readers are aspiring funeral directors or relative newbies, so I thought I’d offer some of my own thoughts on the topic. 

Things will go wrong. You will, from time to time, fail. When first took my job, my boss told me, “I’ve never had a funeral go right, but I’ve also never had a family know that. The secret is to keep the disasters behind the scenes.” Believe me, there will be plenty of disasters, near-misses, and heart-stopping crises, and I, at least, have not always been successful keeping the disasters away from families’ eyes.

Don’t get me wrong — most of the time, you can hide the hard stuff. Take my first crisis, which came along about three months into my apprenticeship. I’d assisted around 70 families by that point and had worked over a dozen services at my funeral home and cemetery. This funeral was my first off-site funeral and off-site graveside service, and, as it happened, there were around 300 guests and I was working the service completely alone; I had support staff only to get the casket into the church and, at the end of the service, to take the flowers from the church to the cemetery. Everything went perfectly: load-in, welcoming guests, the family processional into the church that for some reason had to be led by me, transfer to the cemetery, the graveside … flawless. This is it, I thought. I can do this.

And then I got back to the funeral home and rammed the hearse into the side of the garage. I still can’t believe I didn’t get fired for that one. 

Or there was the time I was putting a body away after an ID viewing (the family had departed and I was alone in the room) and I accidentally hit the gurney release. The front wheels collapsed and the body slid, snakelike, onto the floor. The deceased was a big guy, well over six feet tall and on the stocky side, and I couldn’t budge him at all, not even to shuffle him back onto the gurney. I had to go get my boss and tell him I’d just dumped a body on the floor. 

But sometimes families do see the fuck-ups. Like the ime I had the wrong casket set up for a closed-casket rosary and realized it only minutes before the family arrived. I managed to get the wrong casket back into the holding room before the family got there, but then the elevator door jammed and I couldn’t get the right casket upstairs for at least 15 minutes, well after the family was present and waiting, while one of my staffers fought valiantly to fix the elevator door. 

Of course, sometimes the families do more than their share to cause the fuck-up, and there’s not much we can do to stop it. Like the time a veteran’s family wanted to fold the flag themselves, rather than have me book a military honor guard to do it, and they did it upside down and backwards. Or the time a family made their own casket spray and didn’t ask for any advice on how to do it, so they showed up to the graveside service with a spray on a flat block instead of a casket saddle, which meant that as soon as the wind blew, the spray flew right off the casket and into the first row of guests. 

So, yes, aspiring funeral directors, disasters will happen. You will fuck up. Sometimes families will be furious with you over the fuck-ups. Some families will laugh, or ruefully shake their heads and say, “Isn’t that just like our beloved so-and-so, always making things difficult.” Of course, good funeral directors learn how to avoid most disasters, but even the best always suffer through a few. What makes a great funeral director is the grace with which you handle a disaster, the patience you show the grieving family, the lengths you’ll go to shepherd the living through the bureaucracy of death. Accept that there will be failures, and aspire to aid families through them with grace, patience, and elegance. This is what will make you great.

real talk though

i feel like i need to cash in on something happening right now / what can i cash in on / who wants to cash in with me

someone stole my work boots at the gym :(

but joke’s on them because they’re soaked in dog blood and various unimaginable human fluids from decomposed corpses