burning humans smell the same as any burning meat. don’t forget that.

is anybody up?
a bit of a longer announcement…i finished my apprenticeship a couple of weeks ago now actually. there was some internal debate with myself on whether or not i should take the funeral director position offered to me, but i ended up taking it. 
i always feel really bad about almost never posting here…but i never really know what to say anymore! if you’ve followed me for a long time, you know i’ve written a ton of these “i don’t know what i want to do with this blog” posts. this isn’t really one, though. i’d like to post more, but everything that i encounter every day has become so mundane that i forget “oh, maybe my followers would think this is funny or interesting.” i used to be able to see things differently, so i’d like to be less jaded in terms of my job. is there such thing as a mid-year resolution?
but there’s not much point in trying to tell you where i’ve been because that would take ages, is boring, and doesn’t really matter, so instead i’ll tell you what’s going on and what the next few weeks have in store…
in the very immediate, i dropped my box of triscuits on the floor right after typing that sentence.
tonight, though, i’m trying VERY HARD quite hard pretty hard with some effort to complete my toast for my best friend’s wedding on SUNDAY. i have a lot of notes, a few choice lines, and the overall theme swirling around in my head and on paper, but i don’t have a thing actually written, and i’m a little nervous about it. i feel very removed and a bit left out of the whole thing, and it makes me kind of sad, but i also recognize that people have the choice to live their own lives however they want, including me.
i like triscuits because it’s just wheat, oil, and salt. three ingredients.
i’ve been dating a wonderful guy for a few months now called donald. anybody that knows me knows i’m pretty jaded these days when it comes to dating, so it really means something when i say that i’ve never felt so comfortable with someone so quickly. he makes great dips.
a brief trip to the near past: i very nearly drove 17 hours to meet up with vexenstraug and benanafishbones to pick up a mattress, but there were some logistical issues with van rentals. someday, hopefully sooner than later. (also, we no longer need it, if you’re reading)
socially, i’ll be in ann arbor seeing neil gaiman on july 7, and will maybe cry. july 19 i will be in detroit seeing courtney love and will most definitely scream. i have wanted to see both of these people live in the flesh for most of the important parts of my life. if you’ll be at either of these events, let me know, and if you don’t freak me out maybe we’ll get together.
we have yet another NEW APPRENTICE after the departure of the last one quite a few months ago. im not sure what his deal is. i like him though. he’s a good worker. he doesn’t try to engage in inane conversation in the car.
i’m going to spend july studying for my exams when i can/feel like it, then probably schedule my first (hopefully last) date in early august. or maybe once i start reading over the material it will seem easy and i’ll say “oh i got this shit” and schedule it earlier. i don’t really know! 
i’m currently drying out this moth:

work has been fairly steady, which has been nice. starting in july, i won’t be on call on weekends anymore, which will be amazing for me, and will help with the “blah” i’ve been feeling towards my job the last year or so, and may possibly help this blog.
i’m reading stephen king’s joyland, tina fey’s bossypants, the disappearing spoon and other true tales of madness, love, and the history of the world from the periodic table of elements by sam kean, and i’m very excited to start the ocean at the end of the lane by neil gaiman after his live appearance on the 7th.
my cat’s still dumb
other than that, nothing’s that new…i love you all. talk to me sometime. always happy to answer any ask you might have, professional or personal (to some extent…but there’s no harm in asking. as always, i don’t give out too much identifying info). i never check the FS email so talk to me here bbys.
<3

is anybody up?

a bit of a longer announcement…i finished my apprenticeship a couple of weeks ago now actually. there was some internal debate with myself on whether or not i should take the funeral director position offered to me, but i ended up taking it. 

i always feel really bad about almost never posting here…but i never really know what to say anymore! if you’ve followed me for a long time, you know i’ve written a ton of these “i don’t know what i want to do with this blog” posts. this isn’t really one, though. i’d like to post more, but everything that i encounter every day has become so mundane that i forget “oh, maybe my followers would think this is funny or interesting.” i used to be able to see things differently, so i’d like to be less jaded in terms of my job. is there such thing as a mid-year resolution?

but there’s not much point in trying to tell you where i’ve been because that would take ages, is boring, and doesn’t really matter, so instead i’ll tell you what’s going on and what the next few weeks have in store…

in the very immediate, i dropped my box of triscuits on the floor right after typing that sentence.

tonight, though, i’m trying VERY HARD quite hard pretty hard with some effort to complete my toast for my best friend’s wedding on SUNDAY. i have a lot of notes, a few choice lines, and the overall theme swirling around in my head and on paper, but i don’t have a thing actually written, and i’m a little nervous about it. i feel very removed and a bit left out of the whole thing, and it makes me kind of sad, but i also recognize that people have the choice to live their own lives however they want, including me.

i like triscuits because it’s just wheat, oil, and salt. three ingredients.

i’ve been dating a wonderful guy for a few months now called donald. anybody that knows me knows i’m pretty jaded these days when it comes to dating, so it really means something when i say that i’ve never felt so comfortable with someone so quickly. he makes great dips.

a brief trip to the near past: i very nearly drove 17 hours to meet up with vexenstraug and benanafishbones to pick up a mattress, but there were some logistical issues with van rentals. someday, hopefully sooner than later. (also, we no longer need it, if you’re reading)

socially, i’ll be in ann arbor seeing neil gaiman on july 7, and will maybe cry. july 19 i will be in detroit seeing courtney love and will most definitely scream. i have wanted to see both of these people live in the flesh for most of the important parts of my life. if you’ll be at either of these events, let me know, and if you don’t freak me out maybe we’ll get together.

we have yet another NEW APPRENTICE after the departure of the last one quite a few months ago. im not sure what his deal is. i like him though. he’s a good worker. he doesn’t try to engage in inane conversation in the car.

i’m going to spend july studying for my exams when i can/feel like it, then probably schedule my first (hopefully last) date in early august. or maybe once i start reading over the material it will seem easy and i’ll say “oh i got this shit” and schedule it earlier. i don’t really know! 

i’m currently drying out this moth:

image

work has been fairly steady, which has been nice. starting in july, i won’t be on call on weekends anymore, which will be amazing for me, and will help with the “blah” i’ve been feeling towards my job the last year or so, and may possibly help this blog.

i’m reading stephen king’s joyland, tina fey’s bossypants, the disappearing spoon and other true tales of madness, love, and the history of the world from the periodic table of elements by sam kean, and i’m very excited to start the ocean at the end of the lane by neil gaiman after his live appearance on the 7th.

my cat’s still dumb

other than that, nothing’s that new…i love you all. talk to me sometime. always happy to answer any ask you might have, professional or personal (to some extent…but there’s no harm in asking. as always, i don’t give out too much identifying info). i never check the FS email so talk to me here bbys.

<3

working visitation…

and there were two people standing in front of our sample photo collage board (nowhere NEAR the casket…or even the visitation parlor) for ten minutes trying to figure out who everyone was. I just watched.

people are so interesting

i did a home removal today and this lady kept screaming in the house:

"WHAT THE FUCK ARE WE SUPPOSED TO DO NOW??”
"WHAT THE FUCK ARE WE SUPPOSED TO DO NOW??”

like…

idk?

grief is really interesting…

198

sum of the ages of the people I buried and took to the crematory today. today was insanely difficult.

also that number is dishearteningly low considering that 5 people were buried/cremated today.

it’s been a while since we did “by the numbers,” hasn’t it?

"I’M A TRAIN! I’M A TRAIN! I’M A TRAIN!"

that’s what this kid keeps yelling at this visitation and I’m not sure how much longer I can take it. and I’m working it alone with this lady that I can’t stand…like I just wanna sit down and play peggle and grunt at people. so not into this today.

also if this other kid pokes his head in the office one more time I’m gonna pop him in the face.

just not into this tonight at all, or in general at present. although I’ve always hated working visitation. but I’m kinda in the mood to just start completely over or something and invent a whole new history and personality. maybe I’ll just shave my head and call it a day.

anyways, here’s what we’re really here for:

the other night, I got called out for a nursing home removal around 3:00 in the morning to a place that I’m not a big fan of going to. I got there and banged the shit out of their door and my shins trying to get the cot in because they had two sets of doors that were positioned at a distance that created a tiny mud room that was smaller than my cot, and the second door opened into the entry way, making it extremely difficult to get the cot in. it’s a common set up, but these places usually have a handicap button to open the doors automatically, or the night nurse or security guard usually has the common courtesy to grab one of the doors. such was not the case.

anyways, after that whole ORDEAL, they showed me to the room and just stood outside, which is fairly common. I went in and saw that there were two guys in the room…one guy who looked dead on a BED MADE OUT OF PVC PIPES ON THE GROUND, and another guy in a regular bed with a sheet covering his face.

now, it’s really common for old people to look really dead when they’re asleep. I’ve seen it a ton of times at nursing homes, and I think I told the story one time of how I started to move somebody off of a bed who was just asleep and started coughing when I did, but didn’t even wake up. if I didn’t tell that story, there it is in a nutshell.

anyways, I stared at both, and neither one looked like they were breathing.

so who would you go for?

I’m sorry but the right answer is the guy with the sheet over his head.*

so I started moving all of his shit out of the way…tray, chairs, dresser, etc, then I sidled my cot up to his bed, lowered it to the same level, then touched his shoulder and HE REACHED UP AND PULLED THE SHEET OFF HIS FACE

"omg I’m so sorry"
“that’s okay just move my tray back”

so then the nurses hear me and I go out and they’re like “can you see?” and they turn the light on, and I tell them what happened, and they’re like, “ohhh yeah, he do that all the time!”

wtf!!!!

so then I got the guy on the crazy PVC pipe bed (still not sure what that was about) who was actually very dead and went home


*(the actual correct answer is to just ask the three nurses outside the room who the dead person is, but that wouldn’t have made for a good story, would it? have to take a chance and find out what’s behind the curtain sometimes. or, rather, the bed sheet.)

taking vital statistics this morning...
FS: okay, so double checking, dad's address was one seven three one four?
daughter: no it was one seventy-three fourteen.
FS: ....okay
bby

bby

haha, if we actually HAD any in-house right now, yes, they’d definitely be in the cooler in they were unembalmed, or, if they were embalmed and on the tables, the prep room air would be on, but we’d probably still be up here suffering. but, business is slow.

haha, if we actually HAD any in-house right now, yes, they’d definitely be in the cooler in they were unembalmed, or, if they were embalmed and on the tables, the prep room air would be on, but we’d probably still be up here suffering. but, business is slow.